Friday, 14 October 2011

100% Genuine Armani Watch - Final Tragic Update

We've been flooded with literally one more request for information about my 100% Genuine Armani Watch, purchased for £15 on the streets of Moscow. It is with great sadness that I confirm - the 100% Genuine Watch is no more. In the same incident in which my arm was broken, a far greater tragedy also occurred: my watch was snapped from my wrist and left to rust (or whatever lacquered plastic does) in the dust of the Mongolian steppe.

If you want a 100% genuine watch, there's one just lying around here somewhere
There are two potential stories we might tell about this loss. The first goes something like this:

My wrist is broken in a place which very closely corresponds to the sort of place which a watch - if, say, crushed against its wearer's arm during a sudden fall from a stampeding horse - might crunch into the surrounding bone.

Sort of watch-y kind of area, don't you think?
Which might lead a cynical observer to wonder whether my 100% Genuine Armani Watch may in fact... have broken the radius bone in my arm.

But there's another, altogether more interesting version of these same events. Because that watch hit the ground with so much force that it was completely torn from my wrist. That's a lot of force - especially when you consider that the strap was 100% genuine plastic leather. So now ask yourself: what sort of damage might my arm have sustained, had my 100% Genuine Watch not bravely, selflessly, fearlessly borne the brunt of the impact?

Without all that plastic metal and perspex glass courageously hurling itself between my arm and that hard earth - I could have been really, seriously injured. Lacking medical training, we can only speculate - but I'm pretty sure fragments of bone may have been dislodged completely, only to lodge in other parts of my body. Who knows where they might have ended up - my lungs maybe. My brain. Even my heart. Lacking any medical knowledge of any kind, at all - we can literally only speculate. What we can say for certain is this: my 100% Genuine Armani Watch may well have saved my life.

So farewell, 100% Genuine Armani Watch. Thank-you for your many years days of tireless service. I hope you're happy out there in the Mongolian wilderness, and - since I'm certain you contain no biodegradable parts of any kind - I hope you continue to enjoy that tranquillity for many centuries to come.

I'd hate to end this post on a downbeat note, however, so let me add one further piece of news:

Sam and I went shopping in Beijing's extraordinary Silk Market today - a shopping mall containing more 100% genuine goods in one building than I have ever seen in my entire life. And for the exact same price as my 100% Genuine Armani Watch, we managed to purchase something even more incredible.

The 100% Genuine Armani Watch is dead. Long live the 110% Genuine Patek Philippe Watch!

Isn't she lovely? 


  1. Makes me think fondly of my 100% genuine Police $10 sunglasses that made me nauseous... good times!

  2. So glad the Armani watch is resting in peace in such a wonderful place.
    The new one has a lot to live up to now......
    Try not to ask so much of your watches though, as most people don't rely on them to save their lives/bones etc. They are for telling you the time ....when you have lost your mobile phone......

  3. You know, you never really own a 110% Genuine Patek Philippe Watch. You merely flog it on to the next generation.

  4. Ah yes, you can tell by the way the light dances on the strap that this was forged by the Swiss artisans of the Vallee de Joux - certainly not by some half-mad, chain-smoking critter in a backstreet Fengtai factory.

    When are you off to Shangers? Do you want us to alert Hamble's bro? He's an excellent guide...

  5. did you buy lots to give to the good people of that country that shall not be named? nah - gum is probably more popular and much easier to carry.

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